I want the elections to be over. Elections are designed to make me fully understand how much I do not belong. Worse, I get the overpowering feeling that I will never belong!

It is always the same pattern with electoral campaigns. Candidates and parties start by telling us they really feel our pain, and want to fight for us. Then the issues that the election must address start to be pondered, identified, and, defined. For a short time in the electoral campaign you think these issues will be debated. However, soon after, it all comes down to having to watch how spineless candidates, grovel, trying to re-present and re-create themselves parading their ever-so-wholesome families to proof beyond a reasonable doubt, that they are 300% American. Whatever the fuck “American” means…it is made very clear that it is not me, that it will never be me.

So…here is a list of reasons electoral processes tell me how Un-American I am (Sorry I could not contain this list to a mere 10):

1.      I am an atheist. Apparently it does not matter my commitment and desire to make this country a better place for all. Loyalty is a mandate to worship a disaffected, warmonger, punitive, sexually repressed and sexually obsessed god.

2.      I am a Leftist.

3.      I belief we should actively and robustly pursue social justice. I believe this country should ask, and be told by its citizens what to do for its citizens (Yeah, screw JFK).

4.      Same set of rules for all citizens, all citizens first-class citizens, regardless of buying power, age, sex, language, ethnic background, sexual orientation, disability, religious or non-religious background, political or lack of political affiliation or gender representation.

5.      I believe poor people matter, you must talk about the poor and your plan to end poverty during your campaign.

6.      I do not hate immigrants and believe there must be a path to citizenship that is just and fair to all.

7.      I believe in a big government that will actively and loyally protect me from: Greedy Health insurers, Corrupt Banks, discriminatory and oppressive lending practices, exploitative employers, polluters, gentrifying and unscrupulous, real estate scalpers and the police.

8.      I believe in free Universal Single Payer Health Care and free education including Graduate School.

9.      I value education and deplore anti-intellectual rhetoric.

10.  I have contempt for mediocrity.

11.  I believe in a small government that will be out of my personal life, will stop spying on me and will not regulate my every day activities. From forbidding dance outdoors, to closing parks at night, to having a beer on a sidewalk! From entrapping people to criminalizing sex work, from telling me who to date and who I can marry (and divorce!), to telling me whether I can adopt or not.

12.  I oppose the Death penalty and oppose torture of prisoners, including prisoners of war.

13.  I am not a warmonger and I believe it is OK to question and criticize a president’s decision to go to war.

14.  I believe citizens have a right to organize and participate in the political life of the country.

15.  I believe all people are free to self-determine gender identity and expression, without facing harassment, discrimination or violence.

16.  I believe men should be able to marry men and women should be able to marry women, even if they never have to visit one another in a hospital!

17.  I greatly enjoy having non-marital, non-procreational sex in many different positions.

18.  I live and thrive in a big city.

19.  I do not feel more threatened by Muslims than by Christians.

20. I am a feminist

21. I am Latino

22. I am queer

23.  I donate and ask you to donate to the Sylvia Rivera Law Project.

Job Application

Position: Elected Official

Primary requirements:

• Candidate must be asexual but not aromantic. In the alternative, if sexually active, candidate must be married to the person with whom they are sexually active, AND this spouse must be from a different sex AND a different gender identification than the candidate.

• Candidate must show that sex is not for pleasure, but for reproduction, every time we do it. Have at least one child with the spouse mentioned above, (friendly reminder: This spouse MUST be from a sex different than yours AND have a gender identification different than yours.

• Candidate must prove that never did and never will perform sex in any position other than the missionary position. If candidate can substantiate that falls asleep during sex, you are strongly encouraged to apply!

• Candidate must also prove that never did and never will have sex with a person of the same sex and/or same gender identification.

• Candidate must also prove that never “experimented” sexually with tongue, fingers, fruits or vegetables.

• Candidate must act self-righteous and condemning when referring to sex that is not missionary specially if position can not result in pregnancy.

• Candidate must commit to have a “sex-panic attack” every time someone says the word “sex” in the same sentence with any of the following: freedom; public; homo; kinky; tolerance”.
• DO NOT GET CAUGHT! Or you will force all of us to see ourselves in you.

Secondary requirements

• Person must be anti-drugs. In the alternative, if using drugs, they must be legally prescribed by a physician licensed to do so. (It is OK if the physician is your relative, longtime friend or the godfather of your children, remember you are both protected by doctor-patient confidentiality.)

• Due to recent “incidents” we now require that you must have started taking a hair follicle drug test every three months for at least 20 years prior to this application.

• You must always show a strong desire for vengeance and punishment when talking about drugs.

• You must always show contempt and disgust for those people that use any drugs.

• Always act like you never EVER met a person that used recreational drugs before.

Last but not least Requirement

• You must be Christian and when possible quote from the bible. If you can quote more from the Old Testament than from the New Testament, you are strongly encouraged to apply.

If you belong to the group of millions and millions of people unable to fulfill all or any of the requirements above, do not panic. Don’t be embarrassed just join the mainstream media and follow their cue! It is very simple, just:

• Act SHOCKED every time an elected official is caught having sex outside of her/his hetero marriage.

• Act offended while searching for every single detail, be extremely voyeuristic.

• Pretend that you believe the “average person” could easily qualify for this job.

• Ignore and refuse to discuss how any of the above makes a person un-fit to be an elected official by default .

• Blatantly ignore the elected official’s record while in office, it is irrelevant.

• Refuse to acknowledge good, fair legislation authored or co-sponsored by the elected official.

• Refuse to investigate whether the person’s actions as an elected official benefited the constituents.

• Refuse to even consider the possibility that her/his constituents MAY NOT GIVE A DAMN about private sexual behavior or drug experimentation, but about decent jobs, a roof over their heads, good, affordable education, single payer universal health care!

• Assume everyone is as outraged as you think you have to be.

• Demand resignation of any elected officer that failed to comply with the requisites of this position regardless of whether this resignation is or isn’t in the best interests of the constituents.

• Be impervious to the fact that your voyeurism and lust for scandal may have resulted in the removal from office of a competent, efficient elected official for doing something that has nothing to do with her/his capacity to get the job done.