Job Application

Position: Elected Official

Primary requirements:

• Candidate must be asexual but not aromantic. In the alternative, if sexually active, candidate must be married to the person with whom they are sexually active, AND this spouse must be from a different sex AND a different gender identification than the candidate.

• Candidate must show that sex is not for pleasure, but for reproduction, every time we do it. Have at least one child with the spouse mentioned above, (friendly reminder: This spouse MUST be from a sex different than yours AND have a gender identification different than yours.

• Candidate must prove that never did and never will perform sex in any position other than the missionary position. If candidate can substantiate that falls asleep during sex, you are strongly encouraged to apply!

• Candidate must also prove that never did and never will have sex with a person of the same sex and/or same gender identification.

• Candidate must also prove that never “experimented” sexually with tongue, fingers, fruits or vegetables.

• Candidate must act self-righteous and condemning when referring to sex that is not missionary specially if position can not result in pregnancy.

• Candidate must commit to have a “sex-panic attack” every time someone says the word “sex” in the same sentence with any of the following: freedom; public; homo; kinky; tolerance”.
• DO NOT GET CAUGHT! Or you will force all of us to see ourselves in you.

Secondary requirements

• Person must be anti-drugs. In the alternative, if using drugs, they must be legally prescribed by a physician licensed to do so. (It is OK if the physician is your relative, longtime friend or the godfather of your children, remember you are both protected by doctor-patient confidentiality.)

• Due to recent “incidents” we now require that you must have started taking a hair follicle drug test every three months for at least 20 years prior to this application.

• You must always show a strong desire for vengeance and punishment when talking about drugs.

• You must always show contempt and disgust for those people that use any drugs.

• Always act like you never EVER met a person that used recreational drugs before.

Last but not least Requirement

• You must be Christian and when possible quote from the bible. If you can quote more from the Old Testament than from the New Testament, you are strongly encouraged to apply.

If you belong to the group of millions and millions of people unable to fulfill all or any of the requirements above, do not panic. Don’t be embarrassed just join the mainstream media and follow their cue! It is very simple, just:

• Act SHOCKED every time an elected official is caught having sex outside of her/his hetero marriage.

• Act offended while searching for every single detail, be extremely voyeuristic.

• Pretend that you believe the “average person” could easily qualify for this job.

• Ignore and refuse to discuss how any of the above makes a person un-fit to be an elected official by default .

• Blatantly ignore the elected official’s record while in office, it is irrelevant.

• Refuse to acknowledge good, fair legislation authored or co-sponsored by the elected official.

• Refuse to investigate whether the person’s actions as an elected official benefited the constituents.

• Refuse to even consider the possibility that her/his constituents MAY NOT GIVE A DAMN about private sexual behavior or drug experimentation, but about decent jobs, a roof over their heads, good, affordable education, single payer universal health care!

• Assume everyone is as outraged as you think you have to be.

• Demand resignation of any elected officer that failed to comply with the requisites of this position regardless of whether this resignation is or isn’t in the best interests of the constituents.

• Be impervious to the fact that your voyeurism and lust for scandal may have resulted in the removal from office of a competent, efficient elected official for doing something that has nothing to do with her/his capacity to get the job done.